Discover your Authentic Self: How to Stop People Pleasing and Comparing Yourself

“Comparison is the thief of joy” - Theodore Roosevelt

It was in elementary school that I have my earliest memories of people pleasing and comparing myself to others. Growing up in a financially and emotionally unstable household within an affluent neighborhood, I always remember feeling inadequate and driven by fear to cover up any vulnerabilities about my personal life to even my closest friends. Around age 10 or 11, there was one night my best friends asked my twin sister and I why we didn’t talk about our family or any personal issues for that matter. Caught off guard, we both froze and couldn’t get a word out; it was as if our bodies were incapable of being vulnerable because from a young age we had associated being our true and honest selves with consequence.

I wasn’t conscious of my feelings, thoughts, and actions during this time, but more importantly, I didn’t know that there was a way out of this vicious cycle. I didn’t understand why I had to live this life when it felt like all of my classmates had what I so deeply desired. For the greater half of my early life, I learned and reinforced how to stay silent while yearning for the approval of others because that was the tried and tested way I had learned to stay safe. 

When I got to college, events at home had pushed me to a breaking point - a painful, yet insightful point of no return. I thought that in leaving a stressful environment I would be magically transformed. Yet, with the past still affecting my present, I realized that I needed help. 

Reflecting on my life thus far,

I realized how unhappy I was - how I wasn’t showing up for myself in what I wanted to achieve, my loveless love life, and for myself. 

I didn’t know the first step towards self-love, but I just knew that I wanted to break this barrier of being the “shy one” and feel more confident. 

One day, I sat down in my dorm room and just tried to observe my thoughts and body. Instantly, tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know why, but it felt like I was finally being honest with myself that I needed to change the way I had been living. 

I knew I wanted to stop living my life for others and find myself in this new reality. 

Tool #1: Awareness

That is my first practical tip towards combating people pleasing: AWARENESS. If we are not aware that our dreams are not ours, that we hold ourselves responsible for others’ reactions and feelings towards us, and that we don’t love ourselves, we cannot stop this pattern of behavior. And it is as simple as a pattern of behaviors that we have the power to change. 

When I realized that I no longer had to be the “unlucky” one, the “victim”, or whatever other story I had learned to tell myself was true, the illusion bubble popped (I have Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements” to thank for this realization).

I started looking back at the experiences in my life: whenever a family member, a teacher, a classmate, a crush, a friend, or a stranger had told me that I wasn’t good enough.

That there was something inherently wrong with me so I couldn’t deserve the greatest things of life.

 I realized that this “inherent brokenness” was learned because I honestly did like parts of myself. I began writing down what I liked about myself and what made me, me! In doing so, I recognized that my authentic truth did not align with the emotional poison thrown at me in the past. I also recognized that I now had the responsibility to unlearn these patterns in order to live into my most authentic self. 

And that's precisely what I did. I became very aware of what my inner voice, or more accurately, inner critique would say to me all day long. 

We are not our thoughts, because we can observe our thoughts. 

We can produce a thought at will, which shows that someone is listening to them - ourselves! Creating a mental space between you, as the observer, and your thoughts allow you the choice to accept or reject them. Naturally, in following your stream of consciousness, you begin to recognize behavioral patterns that no longer serve you. 

For example, on social media, it was almost automatic for me to compare myself to other girls who seemed to have what I was “lacking”. I would let these negative thoughts reinforce my fragile self-image to the point that my body dissociated. And I wasn’t even aware that I was causing so much harm to myself. Little by little, I began to catch and replace these negative thoughts with positive, self-affirming ones.

Not only thinking these positive qualities about myself, but more importantly, feeling them too - aligning my heart and body with my mind. 

When we feel in our bones and hearts that we are each perfectly imperfect in our own unique way, having a positive self-image comes naturally. 

In this example, I recognized that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, making each one of us our lovely, one-of-a-kind selves! Often on social media, it is easy to forget that what’s on the inside is more important than the newest fashion or beauty trend, having tremendous wealth, or having a large friend group to hangout with. 

Reminder: No two people are alike, and that is a blessing! 

Tool #2: Self-love through Core Values

When we get clear on our core values, and who we truly are, we find so much strength in what we uniquely bring to the table. We no longer feel the need to gain the approval of others and can set clear boundaries on what we deserve. Life becomes a choice, and a powerful one to create a wonderful, purposeful life. 

We find that in loving ourselves, we have the compulsive capacity to love others and recognize that everyone is on their own journey and timeline. We no longer have to compare ourselves to others who do not have the same trajectory or experiences as us! 

The only person we should be comparing ourselves to is who we were yesterday.

I say all of this with compassion and without blame. Those in our life who have harmed us - their behavior is not to be tolerated. Yet, we can have compassion for them because if they truly knew better, they would do better. This can be a hard pill to swallow, but when we start seeing our fellow human beings in this way, we can not only have forgiveness for them but also have forgiveness for ourselves during those painful situations.

We are not the negative thoughts that have been ingrained into our minds from a young age and now, we can take our power back.

We no longer have to subject ourselves to the will of others. The Universe is on our side and will give us the strength and opportunity to live our most authentic lives. Lean into this knowing, and you will see in time how good life can get! Especially if you are in a stressful environment right now, I promise you that the bad won’t last forever and that you can still find your purpose through the darkest of times. 

The path to self-love is never straight nor should it be selfish. Let’s love ourselves first so that we can share and spread this love to those who need it! 

To help create mental space, try out one of Cour’s 20+ guided meditations!