Is It Ok to Make Mistakes? How to Embrace Self-Love and Forgiveness
(Yes, it is!)
In this article, we will explore the purpose of mistakes, our unhealthy reactions toward them, and how we can reconcile mistakes through self-love and forgiveness.
Are you a perfectionist? Do you tear yourself apart over something you said, or didn’t say? Something you did, or didn’t do? Is it hard for you to forgive others?
If you said “Yes” to any of these questions, then you passed the test - the test of being a human, that is.
Mistakes are an integral part of human life - without them, we would never have the chance to grow. Whether it’s the process of learning how to walk - waddling, falling, then getting up again, or learning a new subject in school, it would be unrealistic to say that mistakes aren’t a crucial part of the learning experience.
Let’s ask ourselves: How can we be expected to know something we haven’t learned or experienced before?
Are You a Perfectionist? Recognizing the Signs
When many of us were younger, we might’ve been harshly reprimanded over the smallest mistakes by those we depended on - forgetting to wash our dishes after lunch or accidentally breaking something meant unforgiving consequences. Over time, we may have developed coping/avoidance mechanisms to help deal with those consequences - to help protect ourselves from the pain. Those mechanisms may have then been carried over to every aspect of our lives, even when mistakes were made outside of our primary punishers.
We can become hypersensitive and hypercritical to the smallest mistakes, seeing them as a hindrance rather than a learning tool, just as our punishers do.
Tasked with the impossible, we try to eliminate any perceived deficiencies about ourselves to minimize the pain we have learned to associate with mistakes.
We end up becoming the punishers themselves, punishing ourselves over anything and everything, without even realizing it. This great error we have made in reconciling with our mistakes can manifest into two main types of people: the “Victim” and the “Tortoise”.
Do you tear yourself apart over something you said, or didn’t say? Something you did, or didn’t do?
Understanding the “Victim” and “Tortoise” Mindsets
Here are two common mindsets people adopt when facing mistakes:
The Victim Mindset:
The Victim asks, “Why me?” and becomes overly critical of themselves, overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and views mistakes as huge setbacks.
They often struggle with self-love and feelings of inadequacy, unable to shake the feeling that they’ll never be good enough.
They may begin to hold resentment towards others and themselves, shying away from the power and resilience the mistake truly holds.
The Tortoise Mindset
Characterized by “tough love”, they may internally say things like, “I’m so stupid” or “I need to try harder”.
Externally, they often find ways to justify their mistakes, desperately trying to cover up any insecurities or supposed deficiencies about themselves, driven by a need to please others.
Fueled by self-hatred, they toughen their shell and strive for perfection through self-punishment and burnout
Neither is truly loving or living, is it?
Error is what makes us human. Our world is imperfect, and so are we. The purpose of life is not to fulfill society’s ever-changing standards of perfection, but rather to live into one’s unique authenticity derived from one’s morals, values, and strengths.
This is why everyone’s mistakes are unique because everyone’s story is unique.
How to Reconcile with Our Mistakes: Embracing Self-Love and Self-Compassion
The root of both archetypes is a lack of self-love and a lack of self-compassion. When we were younger and made mistakes, we were not shown the love and compassion that is supposed to accompany the learning process. We were only loved when we did something “right”, and over time came to idealize this “perfect, right” version of ourselves that can be loved. We hated our mistakes because they stripped us of the love we deserved; we were rejected and punished. We began hating the parts of ourselves that were incapable of being loved by others, exiling them to our subconscious.
We don’t realize that it is not our mistakes that cause the rejection or consequences, but the people who reject us and punish us. The complete opposite is true about mistakes - mistakes can enhance our self-love and self-compassion.
Mistakes exist to help us learn about ourselves; they help us learn more about what we value, our approach to new situations, and to become more aware of our actions and the world around us. Mistakes help us to get clear on our authenticity, deciphering what does and does not serve our highest good. In this way, mistakes help guide us in the right direction - mistakes are a loving aspect of the learning experience!
We shouldn’t look at moments in our past as “saying or doing the wrong thing”. It is so easy for negative thoughts to creep in through this statement, as we begin to question and regret parts of ourselves. If we do have those thoughts, it is more useful to look at those moments like this: “We said or did things that were out of alignment with our true nature”.
There’s simply no need to put ourselves down over this statement! Rather, we can take note of the misalignment, and try our best not to repeat it. In recognizing that gap between our false self and true self, we can now let it go.
So, the next time we make a mistake (and there will be a next time), let us grow in self-love and self-compassion knowing that we will do better! Let us not forget our capabilities amid a mistake, trusting that we won’t be rejected for it and don’t have to reject ourselves for it either. When we adopt a neutral lens toward our mistakes, and the habits and behaviors that hinder us from living our most authentic lives, it is possible to accept and learn about ourselves simultaneously.
Let us be grateful for the mistake in showing us the truth.
Is it Hard for You to Forgive Others? Reacting to Other’s Mistakes
When we lack self-love and self-compassion, we are limited in our ability to love and have compassion for others. The same thoughts we think about ourselves get passed on to those around us. We judge, condescend, or make wrong others who make mistakes.
The dangerous part is that we don’t even realize the harm we are causing with our own words and actions! Are we truly mean and judgemental, do we want to be remembered as unloving and uncompassionate?
And when there comes a time for you to forgive someone, you don’t want to. You don’t believe that they deserve your forgiveness because they have hurt you.
They may well have hurt you, but all of this can be reconciled through love and compassion. In being kind and forgiving to ourselves, we can be kind and forgiving to others because we recognize the humanity that is within all of us. If someone is asking for your forgiveness, forgive them. If someone made a mistake, forgive them! They made a mistake just like you have made mistakes as well. And when you truly forgive others, you release yourself from their mistakes. No matter how big or small the mistake is, no matter how painful, it is never personal what someone does to you; it has everything to do with them and what they are struggling with.
The Power of Forgiveness
There is always enough room in your heart to forgive. Remembering that mistakes are out of alignment with one’s true nature, we can find compassion in our hearts rather than condemnation.
That is true compassion - to put yourself in someone else’s shoes even if they hurt you.
For me, I’ve realized that we are all capable of hurting each other whether we want to admit it or not. But, when we truly love and know ourselves, we won’t hurt others. And if others try to hurt us, we are immune, knowing that the negativity is a personal issue - not our responsibility.
We can even find immense love in our hearts for those who are suffering and creating unconscious mistakes, pain, and suffering in others. We can even help them!
How to Embrace Mistakes for Healing and Personal Growth: A SImple Guide
Here are three simple steps towards empowerment from mistakes:
Accept your mistakes with self-love
Practice forgiving yourself and others for mistakes
Focus on progress over perfection, utilizing each mistake as a lesson learned!
The Path Forward
Life is a process of learning, unlearning, and relearning behaviors, thoughts, and words that either serve or don’t serve us. It’s useful to remember that most of our behaviors taught to us in childhood are to acclimate to the herd-mentality standards of society. When we begin to see our mistakes and failures as north stars, they can guide us to our own authenticity and purpose amid what and how society wants us to do and react.
Failure is simply a lesson learned. Mistakes are simply a detour. Success is simply the outcome of your mistakes and failures. All three guide you forward on your path! So don’t fret - every moment is flowing just the way that it should.
Tools to Practice Self-Love and Forgiveness
To enhance self-love and self-compassion and practice forgiveness, try out Cour’s Heart-Brain Coherence tool and Peace, Release, and Humanity meditations!
